There are bad movies and then there are bad movies.  And then there’s The Mist.  Based off of a Stephen King novella, The Mist details the devolution of a group of small towners that have barracaded themselves in a grocery store after a mysterious mist has descended on their town.  That doesn’t sound too bad, does it?

In order for me to truly explain the suckitude of this film, I’m going to have to spoil it, so if you have any desire to actually see this movie, don’t read the rest of this post…

First of all, the characters in this movie are detestable: the commercial artist (hero) and his 5-yr old son, the argumentative neighbor, the town drunk, the bible thumper, the gutless soldier, the ignorant bagboy, etc.  Secondly, this movie breaks cardinal rule #1: in situations of great crisis, don’t have the characters turn on themselves unnecessarily.  These people are confronted by a serious, life-threatening situation, yet they all turn into idiots, arguing amongst themselves, having silly debates.  I hate it when movie characters act in an unbelievable manner.

Here is a list of idiotic plotholes:

- The mist establishes itself as a severe threat that could possibly kill people.  So what does the bagboy and town drunks want to do?  Go out and check on the exterior of the building.  Why?  Because the generator is clogged.  How about you just shut off that generator for the time being.  Of course, the bagboy gets killed…by some tentacled creature no less. (What?)

- Confronted with the death of said bagboy, the argumentative neighbor doesn’t believe the witnesses to this gruesome event.  Why would they make this up?  They even have a piece of the tentacle as proof, yet no one thinks they should show this as evidence?  The neighbor goes out of his way to be annoying.

- The bible thumper arc.  She’s a real nutcase.  She hems and haws about the coming of armageddon and initially has no support.  However, after a few death, she turns nearly the entire grocery store into Lord of the Flies, willing to kill and sacrifice anyone who doesn’t believe. (What?)  Why didn’t someone just shoot her before she infected the entire store?

- Speaking of shooting, when they find a gun and wanted to find someone who could use it, why didn’t they ask any of the three military personnel that was there?  And what was with that soldier’s eyebrows?  WTF?

- The feeble attempt to break into the neighboring pharmacy to find drugs to help some guy who is obviously not going to make it.  Of course, a few people die on this journey, I don’t think they grab the drugs, and that dude dies anyway.

- In the face of danger, people decide to scream at the monster instead of running away from it.  Fuck you, Stephen King.

- So after the hero, his son, and two old people escape the grocery store (and the mob), drive miles and miles only to find out that the mist is everywhere and that the monsters are everywhere, and run out of gas, the only viable solution is to commit mass suicide?  Huh?  So they agree that the “hero” will kill the two old people and his son.  Unfortunately, he does not have a bullet left for himself.  After killing everyone, the mist subsides and he notices that the army has come to the rescue and has thwarted the attack.  He killed everyone unnecessarily.  That’s the ending.  Fuck you, Stephen King.

The entire movie is about people doing stupid things.  I know, it’s a movie about a mysterious mist and monsters that come through some porthole and attack the US.  But that is more realistic than the actions of the characters.  This movie sucks in every way imaginable.

2 out of 10 CRs