It’s been seven weeks, but finally, we get some more CNN Wall action tonight. Does anyone else get as amped as I do when John King zooms into nameless-county-USA to check to see how the candidates are doing with 12% of the votes counted? Yeah, Obama (aka King of the Halfsies) is up by 37,262 votes in Philadelphia…but what about Lycoming? Come on John, tell me about frickin’ Lycoming!!!!!  Quick prediction for tonight: Clinton 55%, Obama 44%.

When I become king of the lands, it will be mandatory that everyone watches the CNN election coverage, if nothing else, but to learn about the geography of your country. For every dimwit who doesn’t know where Pennsylvania is, if you watch tonight, you’ll find out! And not only do you get to find out where the State-of-the-Week is located, you get to learn about the geography of said state…things that even I don’t know.

For instance, things that I’ve learned during this primary season solely from watching CNN’s election coverage:

- There are way too many counties in Texas. Seriously, do Loving and Winkler need to have their own counties? 28 people live there between the two. How about you merge together and perhaps you’ll be able to afford your own post office.

- On the other end of the spectrum, there are too few counties in Delaware. There are only 3! Even Rhode Island has more. I drive through 3 counties just to get to the nearest Applebee’s.

- Iowa is made up solely of square/rectangular counties. The map of the Iowa caucus kinda looks like playing Mindsweeper and hitting the jackpot when half the board is revealed on your first three random clicks.

- Apparently there are a lot of black folk in South Carolina. That falls under the category of whowouldhavethunkit. If I were black, there are 37 other states I would rather live in than South Carolina. And while on the subject of South Carolina, how great was it to find out that Strom Thurmond had a halfsie child?

- There are 7 democrats in Utah. That’s 7 more than I had expected.

- Clinton won 95% of the geographic area of Missouri, yet lost the state. Shouldn’t there be some sort of mandatory relocation program when you have such a distorted population distribution? Perhaps for the elderly? Once you hit 75, you’re shipped off to the boondocks. Think about the benefits. #1 You get them off the city roads. #2 You won’t be stuck behind grandma when she whips out her checkbook at the grocery store (come on, you don’t have $3.74 in cash?!) #3 Your grandpa won’t comment on how hot your girlfriend is.  I’ve actually broken up with girls after this.  You can’t come back from it…

See how much useful info you can glean from the CNN Wall?  And better yet, the Wall data is available on the CNN website.  You don’t even need to listen to Wolf Blitzer for hours.  So, tonight, I’ll have my website set to CNN.com, my tv set to CNN-HD, and have my little shrine to John King set up (I guess that’s a story for another time).  Finally, I learn where Altoona is.